What's uncomfortable is not the racism claim, but that the argument is merely a conjecture. It's lazy and dishonest. More importantly, this line of argument tends to shut down intelligent conversation, which this forum is about.
What's striking is the helplessness that seeps through your message. As if you had zero control over what happens. You're just a bystander watching what happens to your children.
It's time for you to wake up, and start exercising your own authority.
you are not married, are you? that's not how this works. while they certainly need to talk, and not just once, but continuously, you don't have the authority to change your partners behavior. you need to discuss your feelings about this matter and come to a consensus about the activities and the goals for your child.
it won't be easy. if i were in this position, i can't imagine what i would do. i feel even stronger than GP about this, and i'd probably feel quite helpless trying to get my partner to understand how i feel about this. even just trying to get my voice heard. if you don't have a way to communicate openly in your marriage from the start, then talking about things openly can be very hard, seemingly impossible even. with one issue that my wife and me had, it first took me years to notice and understand the issue and start to speak up about it, then it took a few more years for my wife to recognize and acknowledge the issue for herself, and then she still struggled to do something about it. and very time i messed up somewhere in our relationship, it was a setback for her development too. and i can't even blame her. it's something she learned from her parents (which is how she eventually figured it out)
Wrong. I can tell you from 15 years of married experience, that it's more complicated than that. Some of the patterns that are put in place are feedback loops, and when you change your own behavior, it fixes by itself. No need to talk, just do something different. In fact, talking sometimes makes things worse, because now this background thing becomes a first class issue.
One thing I have observed over and over again, is that when I lack assertiveness, because I am tired or something, then she feels like she needs to take over. And she does it very well. But it also creates a lot of anxiety in her.
What I am saying to OP, is that it's time to be more assertive. (1) There is more at play than the couple here; you can't just watch your children getting wrecked and do nothing. And (2), taking some ownership might actually fix the underlying issue.
ok, hat's a good observation. but it depends on the personalities involved and the specific actions. for me personally for example talking about an issue IS my way of being assertive.
of course there are situations where simply taking responsibility for something can help, but i don't see that in the situation described. if my wife is scheduling to many activities for the children, how can i take over when i simply want there to be less activities.
in other words if my wife does something that in my opinion simply should not be done, how can i stop her, other than sharing my feelings about it? how can i take ownership of the kids activities other than replacing them with other activities. or what do i do when i am at work while this happens? and working until 2am at night? how am i supposed to react other than saying, please don't do that?
We don't know enough about OP's situation, so we're both projecting quite a bit.
Of course communication is important, and the first thing I would do is talk about the shared expectations we had for the children's schedule. Maybe she didn't understand or remember. Or maybe something on her side changed. Take the calendar, mark explicit downtime hours, and talk about how those should be treated.
If that doesn't work, then it's tough. It might be some deeper patterns in the couple that needs to be broken down and restored. Or a psychological issue on her side. That's where the change of behavior can be useful. It's still communication, on the non-verbal level.
Anyways, I hope OP does something and doesn't just let things fly by.
well i’ll also point out, as a married man, my partner doesn’t have the “authority” to unilaterally decide how our child is raised. Notice the word OUR. There is no “I” in the word our.
It’s a joint decision. If it’s not, then you’re not operating as a team. If you’re not operating as a team…then you have a marriage problem IMO. Simple as that.
The healthy marriage outcome would be talking about it and compromising in some fashion. “my way or the highway”…yikes.
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