I just started talking back. I started about 3 years ago. Every time I heard that critical voice, I would summon a different voice in response, of someone who loves and supports me unconditionally. Like an ideal mother, or just the way I talk to my friends.
Example: in my head, “You’re so fucking lazy, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why can’t you just-“ etc, would be answered by, “You are human. You are doing your best. The modern world asks too much of all of us. You deserve to rest. I’m proud of you. I love you.” Consistently in my head, sometimes out loud if I was alone.
Along with forgiving myself, sometimes I would think through and list out my accomplishments. The voice in my head told me I was a failure, but I built up an entire list of the things I had achieved to prove it wrong, every time.
At first it felt weird and fake. I didn’t have any reason to believe “myself.” But then, I didn’t have any reason to believe that criticizing voice either.
Slowly, the responding voice became more and more “real.” To the point where I was easily scoffing at and brushing off my self criticism. And then, for reasons I really don’t understand, that critical voice started speaking up less and less.
After over two years of this, I have stopped hearing that critical voice entirely. I’m in my mid thirties, which isn’t old but is old enough to still be startled by how night and day different it is now to live in my head. It is so much quieter and more peaceful. And a lot of the stuff I used to struggle with, actually isn’t a struggle anymore. I don’t procrastinate hardly at all now. In most cases I recognize “I’m not ready to tackle this yet, let me put my energy elsewhere and I’ll get back to it when I’m ready” and shockingly enough, when I’m forgiven and allowed to walk away, I do find myself “ready” later on to come back and tackle it.
I think what I did falls under the umbrella of “reparenting your inner child” if you want to research more.
Caveat that I also pulled this off while working at the least toxic workplace I have ever worked and being surrounded by the best friends I’ve ever had. Set and setting might be really important here.
Example: in my head, “You’re so fucking lazy, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why can’t you just-“ etc, would be answered by, “You are human. You are doing your best. The modern world asks too much of all of us. You deserve to rest. I’m proud of you. I love you.” Consistently in my head, sometimes out loud if I was alone.
Along with forgiving myself, sometimes I would think through and list out my accomplishments. The voice in my head told me I was a failure, but I built up an entire list of the things I had achieved to prove it wrong, every time.
At first it felt weird and fake. I didn’t have any reason to believe “myself.” But then, I didn’t have any reason to believe that criticizing voice either.
Slowly, the responding voice became more and more “real.” To the point where I was easily scoffing at and brushing off my self criticism. And then, for reasons I really don’t understand, that critical voice started speaking up less and less.
After over two years of this, I have stopped hearing that critical voice entirely. I’m in my mid thirties, which isn’t old but is old enough to still be startled by how night and day different it is now to live in my head. It is so much quieter and more peaceful. And a lot of the stuff I used to struggle with, actually isn’t a struggle anymore. I don’t procrastinate hardly at all now. In most cases I recognize “I’m not ready to tackle this yet, let me put my energy elsewhere and I’ll get back to it when I’m ready” and shockingly enough, when I’m forgiven and allowed to walk away, I do find myself “ready” later on to come back and tackle it.
I think what I did falls under the umbrella of “reparenting your inner child” if you want to research more.
Caveat that I also pulled this off while working at the least toxic workplace I have ever worked and being surrounded by the best friends I’ve ever had. Set and setting might be really important here.
Good luck to you. I hope you can also break free.